BEAR GAZING

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the wilderness.

Outdoorsmen should wear a noisy bell and carry pepper spray.

Outdoorsmen should also recognize the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces have noisy bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

COSTUME PARTY

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Classic Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that be in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and takes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Barack and Michele Obama make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Katey Curac that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Bush summers. Nancy Pelosi exclaims in an interview with Dan Williams that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act." Retroactive to the beginning of the summer, the ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Michele Obama gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant for calling the grasshopper lazy, and the case is tried before a jury of grasshoppers. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he does nothing to maintain it. The ant has disappeared into the snow. And on the 55' television, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Barack Obama standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America!